a love i knew and lost

yesterday I told her, that I would be OK this yr, that everything I promised last yr would be done this yr. but obviously I lied. every so often, new things come along and I get side tracked, I became unaware of this how everything had disappeared. I'm laughing until she says those words I dread to hear, I'm sorry but my love for you has died, damn I knew I should of never lied. it seems it is always the same and I'm the one left holding the blame. this is not me, she was my everything. I can guarantee that she will never come back, and my love will fade and now my happiness looks like it was never made. like I said I would do it all, but I'm dreaming like a fool, I should of told her I love her before she goes. never again will I tell a lye, because she's the sunshine of my eye. I'm sorry.

dim the light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was 5am on thursday morning. the date was 20/1/2028, i saw the light of the morning sun shine through my bedroom window. i couldnt believe that it was daytime or that daylight was already breaking through why do i have to wake up early, cant i just go back to sleep PLEASE!!. I sat up on my bed and wiped my eyes and strecthed my arms. And all I saw was a form called our deapest fear, I started to read it and then my whole world went black and my light started to shine through and i wanted, needed it to stop so badly why does this always happen to me every morning 'I just wanna kill myself'! I started to think out loud. As I began to wonder about I saw my higher version of me, i could see that this image of me was FREE, free from all the negativity the light of her brilliance was bright so bright that it actually lighted up her world so it brang a shiny pretty rainbow that gave everyone else a chance to shine without her even knowing. As I returned to my lower self i was plesaently suprised at what I saw, my sister at breakfast, she was the same person in my dream (my higher self). The phone started to ring I ran towards it and picked it up and heard that my mum just died, I dropped the phone and started to rant & rave (oh my God please no mums dead). my sister come towards me, she was smiling and laughing telling me that everything is going to be ok. i ran up to my room and tried to end it all, my sister came in and saved me and came through as a hero because her light was still shining and mine had dissappeared.
The next couple of hours became a shock to both of us, as our worlds changed forever. When we came out of this world we woke up and we were in hospital I was told that my sister was in a coma and that the next 24hrs were criticle. I asked her four times what had happened and they said that someone had set our house alight but because the man was in custody that we couldnt do anything cause we never saw who done it thats why they had to let him off. Thats when I was dragged back in to this some what creepy, thrilling place but I didnt see my higher self again because my sisters soul was not breathing so I guess what im trying to say is that she died in the last few minutes. I came back round sweating the people in the room looked shocked like they just saw a ghost. Apparently I was screaming, shouting come back mum and Krystal please just come back I dont want to be alone. As I said this is my sisters spirit came in the room and took over me and I became my higher self and realised that they were in my heart forever and always and I live happily ever after.

deep in my mind........

deep in my mind
is lovely and kind
amazing as my higher self
i start to find
it shines as bright as a light
attracting others to me
its a place of confidence
of love
of creativity
my negativity has been declined
that place of hell
that funeral parlour
where the flowers have shrivelled and died
a knife that took my life away
im no longer foney
or lonely
because my heart hasnt shrivelled
and died
so when i start to cry
my life passes me by
now i know what to do
because im loving me
and loving you too

dear diary 24th feb 2010

four o clock start to the day.... not great but hey!!!
saw nothin but pitch black.. peace inside the black, freedom from life
my thoughts are talking to me again about everything,
this hostel is shit, life is shit.
AGAIN!!!!!
because its boring.
cant take myself away from here the boring place,,
nothin else to do but sleep
everything to confront again. Problems here there and everywhere...
so yea! i sleep and?
fresh air disgusting at 4pm
when i open my eyes i see ...
my soft comfortable blanket
creates a warm barrier from me and the rest of the world
yes i would stay here
yes im feelin SHIT again
outside i can hear dogs barking and then my phone goes off
i dont look cos it means i have to answer
dont want to speak to anyone
but myself
yea im feeling SHIT again!!!
SHIT!!!!

Things my mum said

I went to my mums house yesterday

She said to me You've moved on from the way you were before

I've never been there for you even though I wish I was

You're making it work, sticking it out

You're showing you're brother what you're made of and that life is more than what he's putting in."

I was confused. She's never actually said anything like that to me before, usually she's so negative towards me

Life Sorted

I have written so many other pieces that I could put on this blog but I just can't find them. I know I haven't chucked them, I put them in my draw, but everything's a mess right now. This whole week has not been good. I haven't gone college again. I promised my Keyworker that I would and I just haven't gone. I feel annoyed with myself. I wish that I could get on top of my life really, and not have others try and live it for me.

I want to be independent from everything I know and have a sense of security within myself that I just can't feel right now. I recon I need to go back to college so everyone can just get off my back. Plus then I can prove everyone wrong but most importantly I need to prove myself wrong, and start telling myself that I am worth a qualification + education.

Then I can finally live out my dream of volunteering as a teacher, and help other people that are worse off and have less than me -or the ones who have nothing. I would also like to get fit and healthy so I can go and see the world, because I know it is so much bigger than London. I want to meet people who I would never dream of meeting before. People like Beyonce, Cheryl Cole, Boston Celtics, Barack and Michelle Obama plus a few others. Even if I don't meet the so called superstars there are so many other people in this world who I know have a lot to offer. People in different countries, people living a completely different life from me.

I know that the only way that I can do this is by knuckling down in college but also in life, so that I can finally do something and get somewhere without having to be nagged or asked I will just get up and do it as if it just came naturally to me cos then I can finally say to myself and everyone that never believed in me hahahaha lol I have finally made it and I don't need you to tell me any different and if that's the way you feel there's the door please use it as I have moved on from everything I use to be and don't need that kind of negative attention anymore thank you!

I recon before I go bed tonight I will say something positive to myself- like "I am worth it, life is my oyster". I know this is true and these are the words I need to be hearing right now.
Tomorrow can only be better if I make it that way today Kx.

bovvered hahaha lol!!!!!!....

MUM IM SEEING RED
I WANNA CUT OFF YOUR HEAD
LORD FORGIVE ME FOR WANTING YOU DEAD