four o clock start to the day.... not great but hey!!!
saw nothin but pitch black.. peace inside the black, freedom from life
my thoughts are talking to me again about everything,
this hostel is shit, life is shit.
AGAIN!!!!!
because its boring.
cant take myself away from here the boring place,,
nothin else to do but sleep
everything to confront again. Problems here there and everywhere...
so yea! i sleep and?
fresh air disgusting at 4pm
when i open my eyes i see ...
my soft comfortable blanket
creates a warm barrier from me and the rest of the world
yes i would stay here
yes im feelin SHIT again
outside i can hear dogs barking and then my phone goes off
i dont look cos it means i have to answer
dont want to speak to anyone
but myself
yea im feeling SHIT again!!!
SHIT!!!!
Wednesday 24 February 2010
Wednesday 10 February 2010
Things my mum said
I went to my mums house yesterday
She said to me You've moved on from the way you were before
I've never been there for you even though I wish I was
You're making it work, sticking it out
You're showing you're brother what you're made of and that life is more than what he's putting in."
I was confused. She's never actually said anything like that to me before, usually she's so negative towards me
She said to me You've moved on from the way you were before
I've never been there for you even though I wish I was
You're making it work, sticking it out
You're showing you're brother what you're made of and that life is more than what he's putting in."
I was confused. She's never actually said anything like that to me before, usually she's so negative towards me
Life Sorted
I have written so many other pieces that I could put on this blog but I just can't find them. I know I haven't chucked them, I put them in my draw, but everything's a mess right now. This whole week has not been good. I haven't gone college again. I promised my Keyworker that I would and I just haven't gone. I feel annoyed with myself. I wish that I could get on top of my life really, and not have others try and live it for me.
I want to be independent from everything I know and have a sense of security within myself that I just can't feel right now. I recon I need to go back to college so everyone can just get off my back. Plus then I can prove everyone wrong but most importantly I need to prove myself wrong, and start telling myself that I am worth a qualification + education.
Then I can finally live out my dream of volunteering as a teacher, and help other people that are worse off and have less than me -or the ones who have nothing. I would also like to get fit and healthy so I can go and see the world, because I know it is so much bigger than London. I want to meet people who I would never dream of meeting before. People like Beyonce, Cheryl Cole, Boston Celtics, Barack and Michelle Obama plus a few others. Even if I don't meet the so called superstars there are so many other people in this world who I know have a lot to offer. People in different countries, people living a completely different life from me.
I know that the only way that I can do this is by knuckling down in college but also in life, so that I can finally do something and get somewhere without having to be nagged or asked I will just get up and do it as if it just came naturally to me cos then I can finally say to myself and everyone that never believed in me hahahaha lol I have finally made it and I don't need you to tell me any different and if that's the way you feel there's the door please use it as I have moved on from everything I use to be and don't need that kind of negative attention anymore thank you!
I recon before I go bed tonight I will say something positive to myself- like "I am worth it, life is my oyster". I know this is true and these are the words I need to be hearing right now.
Tomorrow can only be better if I make it that way today Kx.
I want to be independent from everything I know and have a sense of security within myself that I just can't feel right now. I recon I need to go back to college so everyone can just get off my back. Plus then I can prove everyone wrong but most importantly I need to prove myself wrong, and start telling myself that I am worth a qualification + education.
Then I can finally live out my dream of volunteering as a teacher, and help other people that are worse off and have less than me -or the ones who have nothing. I would also like to get fit and healthy so I can go and see the world, because I know it is so much bigger than London. I want to meet people who I would never dream of meeting before. People like Beyonce, Cheryl Cole, Boston Celtics, Barack and Michelle Obama plus a few others. Even if I don't meet the so called superstars there are so many other people in this world who I know have a lot to offer. People in different countries, people living a completely different life from me.
I know that the only way that I can do this is by knuckling down in college but also in life, so that I can finally do something and get somewhere without having to be nagged or asked I will just get up and do it as if it just came naturally to me cos then I can finally say to myself and everyone that never believed in me hahahaha lol I have finally made it and I don't need you to tell me any different and if that's the way you feel there's the door please use it as I have moved on from everything I use to be and don't need that kind of negative attention anymore thank you!
I recon before I go bed tonight I will say something positive to myself- like "I am worth it, life is my oyster". I know this is true and these are the words I need to be hearing right now.
Tomorrow can only be better if I make it that way today Kx.
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